All my life I've been the butt of jokes, or crackin them off like nobodies business - even when I'm serious! In a way I guess it's its own kind of logic. I don't like when people think I'm stupid, but why should I show my intelligence when they'll just turn around and make fun of my thoughts or my thinking ability.
I've even surprised my dad a few times. I'll crack a joke one moment, then say something intelligent (or half cracked) and then go right back into joking. Maybe that's why my dad doesn't take me seriously when I try to talk to him. I think that's best. Of course, in my dad's book I'm not very "bright" anyway. I see it every time he looks at me.
Even when I say something completely against his own thinking, he never thinks for one possible moment that I may have thoroughly thought through something, before saying it.
So, I just go back into the failsafe I've created for myself - acting like a fool and hiding what my thinking brain does and understands. Amazingly enough it's great!
I'm not very bright, at least to most people, I admit there are moments when I even fool myself - those are rare times... let me tell you! Yet, when you get told that often enough you'd begin to believe it... No one in my family thinks I'm very smart - heck the only "smart" thing I'm able to do is quill (according to them).
However, there was one person I wasn't afraid of talking to intelligently - until he felt it necessary to silence me - which I found great pleasure in being able to participate in the conversation and not have to hide anything! It was great... but like most people when they notice I understand things on a "higher" plane of understanding (especially when I'm younger) they stop talking to me...
Maybe it's my own fault... acting like a fool so long, pretending to have no thought processes or even thinking patterns, or analytical abilities in myself, maybe I did that too well... hiding behind foolery and jokes...
I learn a lot when I listen, I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. I do. I have a strange way of listening - even when I'm talking... which most people can't understand, is that I still listen even when I'm talking - simply because I'm trying to hear what I say so I can remember what was said! But I'm also hearing what the other person says! It's crazy! But it's cool :)
I've been having a rough week, something just doesn't sit right with me... I am inquiring of the Lord for guidance, peace and understanding... I'm angry a lot lately, at the slightest things too! I don't get it... (Trust me I'm not preggo, lol I don't even have a boyfriend! PRAISE THE LORD!)
That's another thing, I'm actually happy I don't have a boyfriend! I'm sick of those kinds of relationships! Its nothing but drama.
I don't understand it. Guys my age (At least where I live currently - and I can't move until I've got enough money) are just too, well..... honestly.... in this area, stupid. I guess I'm just more grown up than they are - I don't party, I don't like gangsta music, I can't stand it actually... I wanna be treated like a lady, but most importantly... if I ever get a man again - he MUST be HOLY SPIRIT FILLED!
Like guys like that exist where I live? Yeah right, in a million years AFTER the Sun explodes they'll exist where I live.
Anyway, this week has been kinda rough, but I know that God will pull me through. He always does. I got Church in the morning, so I'm gonna go to bed... Good night...
